Smelled like sex but looked like blood …

20 Sep

Part of discovering something new always confounds one’s mind – as to whether one should form any opinion exactly at that moment or wait for the experience to settle down while reeling under it at the same time. That’s what I felt when I came out from the McKittrick Hotel at 530 W, 27th Street, NYC. But then

What’s done cannot be undone

An old dilapidated office building abandoned for ruins was converted into an immersive installation and performance by the group Punchdrunk directed by Felix Barrett and Maxine Doyle. Loosely based on the story of Shakespeare’s Macbeth, SleepNoMore is a tribute to the speakeasy generation with a touch of evil inspired by Shakespearean story telling and characters; each swaying and moving to a surreal David-Lynch-meets-Electronic music foisting the audience into a sexual frenzy.

SleepNoMore allows audience to be anonymous and faceless (literally!) – wearing masks and moving in complete silence; the audience runs, walks leisurely or  follows actors through a maze of more than 100 rooms – each one specially designed to add to the supernatural theme of the whole performance.

Photo Courtesy: New York TimesThough one can see direct references to Macbeth, Lady Macbeth, King Duncan, Banquo, Malcom, Macduff and Lady Mcduff yet there were other characters and their own stories more refined and developed – each had an arch. Malcom never had too much of limelight in Shakespeare’s play however in SleepNoMore he sings a jazz number about his life – tears trickling down his face with an impish smile, looking at the audience breaking the 4th wall.

There were instances when the characters started touching the audience and made gestures of making love. A few audience members were given letters to deliver and a few were kissed and touched sexually. Well there was a scene where Macbeth falls down as I was following him and he looks at my eyes for a good 10 secs. I should have picked him up – I didn’t! Though I did mess around in other ways. I wrote down a letter to no one which might be lying there for someone’s amusement I guess -

Why do I always end up in situations like this when I am so ALONE

If anyone from the production discovers this – please give me a shout out! I can tell you the background of my story and why I wrote that :)

By pricking on my thumbs .. something wicked this way comes

I forgot myself when I followed the naked Macbeth to a room where thye showed the witch invoking apparitions showing Macbeth’s future just before he kills Banquo. The whole room was filled with odors of spice, wine and a confusing but sharp stench – very sexual and mysterious. When a couple of us followed Macbeth into the room, we were ushered to a corner and then the strobe lights started flickering along with the music of Ed Rush – “Reece” – heavy electronic music paced along with fractured visions of Macbeth dancing around with the witches and a naked man with a Goat head, blood on his stomach which Macbeth drinks with frenzy. One ghost carried a bloodied and just-born baby and another one carried a small tree depicting the walled garden.

I can never forget such a combination – strobe light, blood, sex, surreal imagery and sensual stench. I played around with my hand under the strobe light and felt the immediate need to install some in my own house. Everyday will be a surreal experience – replace the Electronic music with Jazz on one day, heavy metal on another or drum & bass on any given Sunday.

Courtesy: New York Times

Actor Nicholas Bruder who played Macbeth moved me in the last scene – for a man who thought he was invincible, for a man who could do whatever he wanted, for a man vain and proud – he showed resignation – resignation to fate and this whole world that came crumbling down – depicted by a confused and insidious smile followed by fear.

There were things that could have been better. Members of the audience could have been less confused and more decisive as to what they wanted to do. Because of their sluggishness I couldn’t run and catch up with Macbeth for a few scenes (as you might have correctly guessed, I followed Macbeth in this visit).

The set design by Felix, Livi Vaughan & Beatrice Minns was mind bending – specially the children room with headless babies, the apothecary room, the rest rooms, the parlour … something suffocating yet thrilling.

Courtesy: Go.com

Dance performances were mostly ballet and jazz. However, there were signs of other modern dance forms which I was not aware of.

Being in a place which resembled Stanley Kubrick’s ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ (yes.. a lot of people will tell you when you get in – but honestly it’s only for those masks and nothing else is remotely close to an orgy), getting blood sprays (paint) on my shirt, locking eyes with actors and following them, seeing actors unfazed by audience staring at their naked bodies, witnessing violent scenes like murder and the one where Macbeth kills the pregnant Lady Macduff and a surreal strobe-light dance to heavy electronic music which was so anachronistically placed in a speak easy set up – it will be insane of me to say I liked it … but yes I loved it …

it smelled like sex but looked like blood and tasted like sweat … that was Sleep No More for me … what will it be for you?

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Never mind I’ll find someone like you I wish nothing but the best for you too “Don’t forget me,” I begged “I’ll remember,” you said “Sometimes it lasts in love But sometimes it hurts instead.”

25 Jul

I would fall in love just to experience this emotion – why is it so good to even want to feel this way?

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.
I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over.

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# Day 30 – Day 2: Defined as Eternity

2 Jul

Time flew and a few friends ensured that I live my last days (mostly weekends) in 20s amidst music, fun, dance, jamming, insane parties+after parties+after after parties+after after after parties :D , long phone calls discussing 30 Rock and of course vulgar bouts of drinking … thanks to you! However, no one would comprehend how much the 2 before 0 means to me … 20s – what I could have done but didn’t!! How much indiscretion that I could have exercised under the comfort of the so called “i am young and restless’ sanctuary .. I feel I am weathered, dusty and ridiculous now! lol!

‘Randy Described Eternity’ – this song explains, in its out-of-the-box quirky way, what eternity means (http://www.threeimaginarygirls.com/node/4157) .. I wish youth and innocence were as eternal as hope .. :)

Of all songs, which would describe my last day of 20s, I chose ‘Randy Described Eternity’ (Thanks @Christopher)

“every thousand years
this metal sphere
ten times the size of Jupiter
floats just a few yards past the earth
you climb on your roof
and take a swipe at it
with a single feather
hit it once every thousand years
`til you’ve worn it down
to the size of a pea
yeah I’d say that’s a long time
but it’s only half a blink
in the place you’re gonna be”

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# Day 12, 11 & 10 – Something gotta give … one day .. yes one day … muhahahhahahaha!!

24 Jun

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#Day 15, 14 & 13 – “Oh honey, you’re so pretty, but you’ve always made decisions like an ugly girl.”

21 Jun

Tara’s mom in United States of Tara throws this gauntlet at Tara’s younger sister in Season 2.

Given this context, I wish I had exercised some indiscretion in my life :( if not at 20s but at least in my teens.

My case is the worst – worst case of the ‘ugly girl’ making decisions as a ‘pretty girl’ … Sigh and it’s too late …

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#Day 16 – “You have reached 7 days of battling it out” – Achievement unlocked :D

19 Jun

#Day 16 - "You have reached 7 days of battling it out" - Achievement unlocked :D

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#Day 17 – Three guitars and three groupies …

18 Jun

that’s what my day 17 looked (?) or rather sounded like :)

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#Day 20, 19 & 18 – Learned to love the ride

16 Jun

I have been watching United States of Tara for quite sometime now. You can Google up however, in short, it’s a story about a woman who has Dissociative Identity Disorder, with personalities ranging from a 16 yr old girl to a drunk (male) motorcyclist and who tries to live a normal life with her husband, two kids in middle class suburbia.

Completely got derailed here. But cut me up for throwing cliches here – Without mess, life is uninteresting. If I were to live a Disney life (the good cute ones and not the evil-subliminal-adult type fairy tale) I would kill myself.

Whether I enjoy this messy life – if I say yes, it will be a cute Disney answer. Answer is ‘no’! It’s painful – it hurts and sometimes you stop functioning like one of those Terminator robots – when their corneas dim out as soon as  their power is usurped. But without these kinks in one’s life… it will be a boring constant routine of fun times… except for getting laid everyday at will – that will be awesome and I would say a completely interesting life … :D

I like these lines -

Open up the sky this mess is getting high

its windy and our family needs a ride

I know we’ll be just fine when we learn to love the ride.

I know we’ll be fine when we learn to love the ride

I know we’ll be just fine when we learn to love the ride.

Here’s a preview of this song:

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#Day 21 – Circle .. how I learned to stop worrying and love the Circle!

13 Jun

It’s a full circle .. however the radius changes all the time .. damn!! … radius being how long was the event .. the shorter the time frame the smaller becomes the circle.

Here’s an excerpt from the poem ‘Shropshire Lad’ shared by Ratnesh (a friend from B School) in 2006.

“Oh, when I was in love with you

Then I was clean and brave,

And miles around the wonder grew

How well did I behave.

And now the fancy passes by

And nothing will remain,

And miles around they’ll say that

I Am quite myself again.”

By now, you’d have got what I meant by a circle. Sometimes we get stranded on the same spot where we start from. If radius is time, circumference is the experience – the entire time frame spreads out itself as a continuous events curve. Pi – your disposition towards the event (happiness and misery or shall I say positive or negative with some sort of fuzziness??)

Smaller circles helps. You have a smaller radius – so it completes sooner. The lesser the time the involvement in the event itself is less.

The area of the circle = time * time = how affected are you by the event.

In the poem, the person goes through happiness and then comes back to where he was – miserable. In another example. the person goes through miserable time and then comes back to where he was – happy.

Honestly, I don’t know which person am I – don’t know whether I am happy now or in utter misery. All I know that, the time variable was small enough this time to make my happiness/misery too heightened.

Am I kidding?

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‎#Day 23 – In the morning I’d awake and I couldn’t remember What is love and what is hate? ….

11 Jun

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#Day 25 – You know that you are single and getting old when …

9 Jun

For the uninitiated, this is a part of my new self expression – ’30 days to 30′ project. I will record my thoughts in my last 30 days of my 20s though various medium. Here is a blog post -

#Day 25 – You know that you are single and getting old when  …

  1. You join hobby classes and then harass your colleagues and friends with long tirades of what you’ve learned.
  2. You keep a jar of Nutella, a spoon and a few almonds next to your bed
  3. You – Open Facebook > Check Notifications – negative > Check ‘Top News’ on homepage – “done, no new updates :( ” > Like > Comment > More likes > More comments > Check ‘Most Recent’  > More Likes and Comments > “done, no more updates. What else do I do now?”
  4. You join Salsa classes in the fervent hope of getting some action
  5. You start going to clubs which you’d have never visited in your younger days
  6. You become chatty with strangers with just one thing in mind “Please tell me that you wanna sleep with me… I mean now… or may be a good romance will do too …!!”
  7. Your friends tell you stuff like “Don’t worry! You still look young! 40s is the new 30s and 30s is the new 20s”
  8. You are the first person to arrive in a party and the last one to leave … duh!
  9. You say things like “Rihanna is the new Alanis Morisette” or “I don’t know why I fall asleep so early nowadays” or “Table for one please!” :D
  10. Your vacation pictures usually have people in odd numbers
  11. You feel happy cooking for others
  12. Your last night out was spent watching ‘crazy woman burning in jealousy trying to kill ex lover and his girlfriend’ kinda movies
  13. You buy your first ‘Anti-hairfall’ shampoo yourself!
  14. You start spooning a pillow and name the pillow.
  15. Your home deliveries consist of Pizza on weekdays and of course! Chinese on weekends.
  16. Bar seating area starts looking like the coolest place in the world to you and the bar man/woman is your new best friend/soul sista!!
  17. Your credit card bill item says “Friend Co.  – $19.00”
  18. You start advising people on relationship matters based on the last dream you had about Astronaut Mike Dexter or Princess Leia!
  19. You forget when admiring stops and stalking starts
  20. You start making lists like these “You know that … when ..” “My most fav 30 Rock moments” “
  21. Your recent favorite brand is Forever 21

~ credit: to the numerous single and aging brethren around the world! :) this is my ode to you!

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#Day 26 – Hit my head hard while doing rapid crunches *&@!*#%&!%# – feeling lighter and younger!! Hope it lasts!

8 Jun

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#Day 28 – Reflecting on the self fulfilling prophecy of being forlorn nearing 30. How hilarious to see oneself embroiled in this silly thing! Gonna watch Hangover 2 and hi-five to the embarrassing subconscious plunge into the 30s cliche!

6 Jun

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Lorem Ipsum – We are the pain!

7 Feb

Nor again is there anyone who loves or pursues or desires to obtain pain of itself, because it is pain, but occasionally circumstances occur in which toil and pain can procure him some great pleasure. To take a trivial example, which of us ever undertakes laborious physical exercise, except to obtain some advantage from it? But who has any right to find fault with a man who chooses to enjoy a pleasure that has no annoying consequences, or one who avoids a pain that produces no resultant pleasure?

The reason I pasted the text above is manifold. Firstly, my designer friends – Ivis, Prasanna, Jason & Lolita will jump out of the chair (hopefully) when they know that these text above is the English translation of the latin phrase – “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit ..”

Designers use this phrase/paragraph at places when they have no text to compliment the design – basically filler text … I do wonder who started this trend of using this particular phrase. It’s an irony because when we use filler text, it should have no meaning or the least should be close to being meaningless. But the above phrase has a very strong sub text.

Similarly life as we know it has so much of sub text that once we get to the bottom of it we’d be over whelmed …

Coming back to the other reason of talking about pain – Another thought I would like to add to the above discourse is – What’s pain today is tomorrow’s pleasure. Pain and pleasure are both transitory and find themselves intertwined very closely as if they are two mouths of the same spiteful snake .. spiteful because we are always at the receiving end of them .. even pleasure :D

Revolution

30 Jan

Niccolo Machiavelli wrote in his The Prince and the discourses, ‘To reconstitute political life in a state presupposes a good man, where to have recourse to violence in order to make oneself prince in a republic supposes a bad man. Hence very rarely will there be found a good man ready to use bad methods in order to make himself prince, though with a good end in view. Nor will any reasonable man blame him for taking any action, however extraordinary, which may be of service in the organizing of a kingdom or the constituting of a republic…For it is the man who uses violence to spoil things; not the man who uses it to mend them, that is blameworthy. A prince should therefore disregard the reproach of being thought cruel where it enables him to keep his subjects united and loyal. For he who quells order disorder by a very few signal examples will in the end be more merciful than he who from too great leniency permits things to take their course and so result in chaos…for these hurt the whole state…It is essential therefore…to have learned how to be other than good or not use goodness as necessity requires.’

Not commenting on the current political scenario of India which involves petty discourses, my main motive of writing this is to bring in the notion of greater  good in the balance of our every day decisions … be it for our country men or for our families and friends …

More on this soon!

Wishing Well

4 Jan

‘Once a prince, twice a prince, thrice a prince threw gold; to ask for dear lord, prosperity manifold’ – a song sung by an old man who lived next door. He referred to thewishing well in front of our house. The song still haunts me…

Summers ago, a family came to spend their vacation in our village. They had three daughters – one was red, other yellow and the little one looked like a strawberry. They shrieked, ran and ate lollipops all the time. They even had a happy dog. They always sat by the river on the wharf singing happy songs, which we could never relate to. My sister, Lily, was very amused observing them and at the same time she used to curse me because she had to attend to me all the time.

Their father drove to the nearest city everyday and brought loads of goodies for them. I would wake up every morning to their giggles and singing. And needless to say, it was followed by my wails for attention. Mother would yell at Lily for not paying attention to me and her daily chores. After a few moments of serenity, I would hear sounds of cane creating welts in Lily’s back in conjunction with the giggles by ‘those three’.

The eldest one was always very pensive but happy with brimming thoughts. She was drowned in her own world. She used to carry a book and a pen everywhere and my sister observed her every move. She would paint her nails and then she would start writing and feel happy about it. She would always smile while writing.

Lily would emulate her with a pencil and a used book. But she would just scribble because she didn’t know how to write. That would frustrate her a lot. So one day she scurried her way to their yard and asked the eldest one about her book. The eldest one replied, ‘I treasure all my happy moments in this book and I see that you have one too’. Lily never liked the fact that there weren’t many happy moments she could write or draw about.

One night Lily hurriedly left me in the porch and marched towards their yard. She spent sometime searching for something very meticulously. She finally found it – it was that book. I saw her running out of the yard towards the well with the book and a plastic cover. She stared at the well for a few minutes and then threw the book in it. She then gave me a poignant glance and vanished in the dark. She never came back.

Later one day, villagers found all sorts of articles in the well when they decided to clean it. I found the book in a plastic cover and asked if I could have it. One of the diary entries read, ‘The girl next door seems so sad. I wish she could have all she wished for – a better life I guess’

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Jazz by the Bay

9 Nov

‘I will give you all the diamonds you want’ was not the first thing that he said that evening under the moon shadows of trees swaying to Jazz that night. 

That night chanson’s d’amour or love songs were not mere mood jewels that he usually adorns in just any other mundane night. They had significance that night. He was in love after a good long twenty five years. He clasped his own hands in delightful serenity of the night laced with the hallucinatic music. He thought those were the magic that music creates in moments like those. As a kid he always liked movies over real life because movies had background music. He was happy ‘coz he can hum and sing; at least he can make up for the lack of background music in real life.

He could care less about his wealth, his palace and the never ending lonliness if not his anxious longing for what he didn’t know. 

That day his heart was filled with gratitude and he wept slowly. He was in love and he knew why. He looked at the moon and then looked at her , ‘How shiny would you be if you take all my diamonds?  Under this pale moon, this summer sea breeze and the trees, and everywhere you would be just the same; my shiny little happiness. You will always be with me’. 

He stopped gazing at Fiona, his watch and shifted his attention to his collection of books. He then started murmuring these lines again. However, in case of books, he offered them bookcases and shiny ones and in case of his wines, he offered them new cellars and yes! shiny ones.

He stopped realizing long back that it was just another night of Jazz by the bay.

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Paradise lost: reprise

22 Oct

Do androids dream of electric sheeps? May be yes! Bladerunner’s theme tries to show us the fine differences between humans and other things (in a more general view). Dreams are one of the those things that differentiates humans from others (thats what ‘they’ say). I could care less with all these mumbo jumbo junk sciences psycologist, antropologist or any ‘logist’ researching on. All I care is dreams are required/needed. Life would be such a clockwork if I don’t dream.

Of late, in my dreams I always figure out that whatever is happening is just a dream – irrespective of nightmares or good dreams. It’s nice to have such feelings when I have nightmares but during a good dream? It’s not done!

Its has been quite common with me nowadays. Over the time, I have ingrained in myself certain truths or certain inevitabilities in such a way that even in my dreams I no longer imagine or get transported to any new realms of distorted happiness. Even if I do, I just realize its a dream….

Another Paradise lost ….!

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Paradise Lost

14 Oct

I don’t mind not feeling immortal

‘Cos it ain’t all that as far as I can tell

I don’t mind not going to heaven

As long as they’ve got cigarettes

As long as they’ve got cigarettes in hell.

A friend sang this song, strumming his guitar with the feelings of a poet hurt enough to find the words intriguing with every new line of the song. This is “As long as they’ve got (cigarettes in hell)” by Oasis.

It kind of elucidates what’s going through every smoker’s mind looking at the pile of cigarette butts kept stacked in one corner away from a free paradise … smokers are ostracized and given the worst corners where everyone knows only the cigarette in hand and never each other … coz they can’t meet others, in a free environment where every one is without fear and at ease …. Paradise Lost! and when will it regain? When one soon go either away from the paradise and forget about its existence or go deep inside this abyss that we are relegated to (the so called smoking corner/zone) and yearn for the lost paradise … someone said the path to heaven is right through hell … Hell is here! :D

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Virginia diaries …

17 Jul

I am drunk and I am about to contribute my 2 cents of experience in US of A. And fuck I care about the fact that there will be millions of Indians who might have written about it. Well almost perfect my experience in US is and I am happy for the fact that a business trip didn’t suck too much. Hmmmm… let me write things in bullet points for your benefit:

American food is not all that bad. Its a bit sweet and baring the ever pervasive fast food, fine food seems to be palatable. Had an awesome experience of american barbeque in my colleague’s home on two occasions and got to see what they eat – to compensate the junk they eat all the time, they toss in a lot of veggies in form of salads or side dishes to go with their hamburgers/hot dogs/barbeque chicken

Americans are good-natured people. Though they might have reservations against a lot of communities yet the kind of bonhommie they display towards fellow human beings is noteworthy. This is what one wants – I don’t want my fucking neighbors to wallow in my sufferings with me. All I want is kind words.

Americans are threatened by Indians with respect to jobs. With increased cost cuttings, American companies are shifting their cost centers to countries like India – this is leading to increased job insecurity and low morale in US

Americans are much happier than Indians or let me put it this way – Americans are much more expressive than Indians in terms of happiness

Indians will be dirt-bags everywhere – they spread unhappiness and discontent everywhere. Funny experience with NRIs – Those who are now settled in the US are confused – they say, ‘I am more Amerikhan than Indiyen’. They are rude, spiteful and have no qualms in displaying all of it

Virginia is really boring – It’s worse than Kanpur … One should have a car to survive in places like Virginia. Americans are aware of it but they say its a trade off for a good job and a quiet lifestyle with kids and wife

Americans are very family centric – they are practical and think about family and don’t indulge in petty emotions when they decide things about family

Americans pubs are very lively … they have a lot of attractions other than just drinking – pub quiz, dart competitions etc. Yes, America doesn’t discriminate anyone on any grounds except for aliens (people from other country) which is not because they hate us, but because they are very conscious of the fact that our cultures are quite disparate. I loved the fact that people who come to drink in a pub know each other and talk to each other. They know the bartenders by name and they hug and kiss each other.

New York is a very exciting place .. even Americans in general aspire to be in New York coz its such an exciting city. Kind of reminded me of Mumbai. New York is an easy place to go around – nice planning though staying in New York (hotel/apartment) is very costly. I loved Coney Island Beach and Bleecker street. A pub named Red Lion was serving alcohol and playing loud live music till 5:30 am and I think its amazing.

All things nice and good … even London was good … there are things which falls into the negative part of my perspective but I will let it pass …

However,  would also like to say:

I miss everyone back in India – my family, my friends and room mates (all the room mates I have spent time with), my sunset (here sun sets at 9 pm), my home (parents as well as my Bangalore home), Mumbai, the noisy hustle-bustle, auto rickshaws, my relevance with daily life and habits and everything I can possibly think of. I wish things were better in India if I look at the good things in US of A, yet I wonder that India is unique coz of the fact that it lacks a lot in terms of social maturity and living standards yet Indians like me love India for the lack of it …. absurd it is … but then life doesn’t come with an ecyclopedia that answers all questions …

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Hiatus!

16 Jun

Buzz … Buzz… Thwack! I wish life was that easy. It just takes me 2 minutes to conjure up my thoughts and another 2 minutes to pen down. For some reason, thoughts came and flew. For some funny reason, I stopped relying on my memory and started storing thoughts on my phone (drafts in message section). They are still there and I am here writing about them being there.

Interestingly, this is my first post to break that stasis. I wrote this down on my phone draft message.

Thwack!

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32 years of Indian Police Service – To my Papa

31 Mar

32 years – from 1976 till now in Indian Police Service (Assam & Meghalaya cadre) is a huge achievement in my father’s life – for that matter it’s a huge achievement for any man who was born in the pre-independent India.

Born to Late Soneswar Bania, Papa grew up in a small village named Dogaon in North Lakhimpur, Assam. He made his way out to a more educated and civilized life through hard work. When many of us were fighting over which channel to watch on TV, Papa in his adolescence was riding on a grazing Buffalo and reading his text books. He was very sharp as a kid and very artistic too – you should see his handwriting; it would have made my class teacher in school, who taught me cursive writing, go green in jealousy.

He had to leave home and study in Darrang College, Tezpur, Assam initially and finish his graduation in Economic, Statistics and Mathematics from Cotton College. And soon after that he got his MSc degree (those days in Gauhati University, one gets a MSc. degree for Eco, Stats and Maths).

He got married to my mom in 1968. Mom was from a neighboring village. He was still a student when he married mom. And soon after my eldest sister was born (1970). He had the responsibility of his family back home and also his wife and a kid. He got a job in NSS (National Sample Survey) which made him stay in Shillong for a couple of years and then MidnaPore, West Bengal for another few years. He had to sent my mom back to her village along with my sister.

In 1976, he got through the civil services examination and he joined the Police Service. Again he was sent out for training and subsequent posting in Silchar, Assam. By then, Ma and my two sisters joined him. We had seen pretty bad days in my dad’s career – days when he was transferred to remote corners of a tumultuous Assam, days when Dad would come home late and Mom would wait for him, days when he had to make a lot of sacrifices in his family life (which was misconstrued by us on lot of occasions).

32 years of a tumultuous Assam – 32 years of a family who made huge sacrifices – 32 years of commitment

My father was very creative and perhaps he wanted to become an engineer, an architect, a teacher or a writer. His friends were from such fields. Due to work, he couldn’t even think about what he actually liked, forget being with his friends or dear ones. Much later in 1994, he met one of his closest friends in Tinsukia, Assam – Prof. Dundhubi. I saw my Papa behave with his long lost friends in ways which left an indelible mark on my mind – there were more to this man than what we all know.

Now, we all have the luxury to take up a job, if we don’t like the current one – relocate to a new city at our whims … Think about my father … I am sure your father would have gone through the same. Their generation was so different than ours in many ways.

Nevertheless, I am very proud of you Papa. As my friend Suresh said, “… thank him on my behalf for a service well done to the nation”, we all feel that you have done something which in no way I could ever do in life. You have started a generation in our family – my generation – the generation which books flight tickets on the internet, listens to songs from iPod, writes a journal on a blog, eats Mexican food ….

You have paved the way for us to a comfortable life, to a secured life… All these and more are a resultant of your sacrifice – a lot of it I am not aware of – may be there must have been times when you wanted to have an extra helping of food but you had to save for your family, may be you wanted to watch your favorite movie or buy a new shirt in Bihu

Yes Papa, your sacrifice!

papa.jpg

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When dream and day unite: reprise

23 Mar

I could see through the hordes of people drenched in smokes of exasperation coming out of their tightly clasped cigarettes in their fingers – a great urgency in completing conversations. I could hardly see any faces that I know. It was suffocating …. moment before I decided to leave, I saw a familiar face sitting quietly in a corner drinking something precious for the very fact that he was protecting it rather than savoring it. I couldn’t recognize the face from that distance but intuitively I was sure that the person sitting there was someone close – probably eons back …. the familiarity, the comfort of someone close… I walked towards the person through meandering pathways between those congregations of people. Just when  I was about to reach and say ‘Hi’, a few people looked towards me, I could see the whole room looking towards me with some sort of amusement and shock. The look in their face said ‘How dare you go and speak to him? He doesn’t need anybody, he has us. Please leave this place…. there is no extra room for you’

Well I retracted and looked into his familiar eyes … they were sad, they were tired, they were dead, …

David Hidalgo written a song, ‘Someday’ for Los Lobos (OST: A love song for Bobby Long) which captures my emotions right now:

Someday I will go home
Someday I will go home
And I’ll find peace in the house
Of my heavenly father
I will fear, fear no more

I know down in my heart
I know it won’t be long
And I shall see the face
Of my savior
I will fear, I will fear
I will fear, pain no more

Someday, I will go home
Someday, I will go home
And I shall take the hand
Of my savior
I will fear, I will fear
I will fear, pain no more
I, I will fear, I will fear
Pain no more

Driving home
Driving home
I’m driving home

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Gibran’s Love …

19 Nov

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

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Celebration is for other people ….

7 Nov

Affliction is something which nobody can define. Even I can’t. It is always felt and then forgotten. Some forget forever and some remembers everyday. I should pat my back and also thank a few who helped me get out of the continuous affliction that tore me apart the whole last year – I was never the same anymore. Some people say you become strong, you become this and that … But nobody knows what I have become … Let us forget what I have become, and focus on what other people perceive of me… A friend told me that people have branded me as someone who is emotionally unstable and all my writings/poems seemed as if they are the product of such instability. He is an honest guy and what he told me about the perception is true.

Funny, that people, for whom I am going through such affliction, oblivious of it (highly unlikely) asks me to have fun, celebrate festivals …. very condescendingly.. and worst part is that they pretend to have not known about what I have been through …

I don’t know why I am writing this post but will soon figure out … perhaps it’s a product of my mental instability … perhaps celebration is for other people …. perhaps other people should always celebrate … but leave me alone …. I don’t want to celebrate and never will …

Wordsworth beautifully wrote the following in The Affliction of Margaret:

Beyond participation lie
My troubles, and beyond relief:
If any chance to heave a sigh,
They pity me, and not my grief.
Then come to me, my Son, or send
Some tidings that my woes may end;
I have no other earthly friend!

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This is for you Maa….

1 Nov

Mother

This is for you Maa … You know, the greatest regret I’ll have in life is not being able to compensate for all those moments when you were worried and anxious about me. I know that though I am a big boy now, I am still your little kid. But it really hurts me to see the stifled anxiety in you seeing me grown up so fast – and more so when you were not around to see the gradual transformation in me . I know that you are very curious about me but you hate to admit it and pass it off saying that I am a big boy and things are going the way they are supposed to be ….

I heard this song from Rang De Basanti a few days back where Yashoda tells Krishna -

I am anxious about you as the evening sets in; See that my vision has become hazy ….

Yashoda: Luka Chuppi bahut huyi saamne aa ja naa
Kahan kahan dhoondha tujhe
thak gayi hai ab teri maa

Aaja saanjh hui mujhe teri fikar
Dhundhla gayi dekh meri nazar aa ja na

 

Krishna: Kya bataoon maa kahan hoon main
Yahan udney ko mere khula aasmaan hai
Tere kisson jaisa bhola salona
jahan hain yahan sapno vala
Meri patang ho befikar udd rahi hai maa
Dor koi loote nahin beech se kaate na

Yashoda: Teri raah takey aankhiyaan
jaane kaisa kaisa hoye jiyaa

Dhire dhire aangan utre andhera, mera deep kahan
Dhalke suraj kare ishara chanda tu hai kahan
Mere chanda tu hai kahan
Luka Chuppi bahut huyi saamne aa ja naa
Kahan kahan dhoondha tujhe thak gayi hai ab teri maa

Aaja saanjh hui mujhe teri fikar
Dhundhla gayi dekh meri nazar aa ja na

Krishna: kaise tujhko dikhaun yahaan hai kya
Maine jharne se paani maa tod ke piya hai
Guchcha guchcha kai khwabon ka uchal ke chuwa hai
Chaaya liya bhali dhoop yahaan hai
Naya naya sa hai roop yahan
Yahaan sab kuch hai maa phir bhi
lage bin tere mujhko akela

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Ambivalence?

26 Oct

ambivalent

I write and I erase… and I write and I erase and I write and think that I will erase but then I keep writing and later erase and I write again to erase and more so I write while I erase …

Am I afraid, detached, tired, clueless, confused or just ambivalent?

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Sleep tonight … for you are not alone

17 Oct

One shoe

All you who sleep tonight

Far from the ones you love,

No hand to left or right

And emptiness above…..

 

Know that you aren’t alone

The whole world shares your tears,

Some for two nights or one,

And some for all their years.

 

~ Vikram Seth

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Vanilla Skies …

3 Oct

I have turned out to be a photo-poem churning out machine now on my blog. Somehow I have lost connect in speaking to people who reads my blog. Reasons will be job related (I was so engrossed in my job that I didn’t have time to think about anything else), fatigue not of body but of mind – didn’t want to discuss or engender thought processes which would probably take up time and space … However I am at ease right now. The other day I was reading other’s blogs and chanced upon a friend’s blog wherein he wrote about a very happy incident. He was present when one of his friend proposed to his girl friend and she agreed to marry him. A smile beamed on the corners of my eyes and then faded away leaving behind hints of moisture …..

Bleeding Heart

I remembered those withered years and try to touch them with fervent hope … I can’t touch but only see … yes only see and it’s soon becoming dusty and hazy…. I wrote Vanilla Sky for someone else … a God-sent couple and I guarded this poem from everyone … but then the skies bled and never saw the light …. But now I am happy for my friend and dedicate this to his friend who is getting married soon… I know marriage is not the culmination of true love …. let true love reign in many different shades …..

Cogent, crisp, clear everything should be
Closure and coherence are enchantingly desirable
Permanence is linked with certainty
Is this what sweet dreams are meant to be?

Hope floats where love floats
A strange mixture of follies, pleasure, ghosts and vices

A frission of ecstasy shot through me
When i walked in those clouds
Always had i known
The clouds are not permanent
They shift along with the tides of time
Leaving me hanging between two realms – hopelessness and anticipation

Yet I always wonder
Rather realised
When love floats – everything else just founders
For a second or a lifetime
It doesn’t matter
The vanilla sky and the clouds remain forever

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Lucid Dream

10 Sep

Had a great time, specially to see you both together. Not forever may be, but for just 2 most crazily happy hours of my life.

Me and You

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