San Francisco – after 3 months

Close your eyes. Take a deep breath and imagine your wardrobe and your personal belongings clustering themselves into 2 suitcases and a few boxes. At the same time, your friends and family, your favorite inanimate things like your car, your favorite corner or café in your city, your favorite seasons and weather – all moving away from you without the promise of a reunion. Now imagine yourself and your suitcases and boxes traveling through a void or vacuum suddenly gets transported into an alien world – smells different, feels colder and windier, new people, new way of speaking and communicating, new cafes and shops.

I don’t know about you but I felt very humble and very small. On one hand I had the satisfaction of taking this arduous task head-on and on the other hand, I felt like this puny person starting off from the Maslow’s hierarchy again in a very new context. I was indomitable, my life was stable, I knew exactly everything around me in my habitat.

The safest place for an animal is its natural habitat – nota zoo.  So for me, moving to SF is like a red (ahem purple) carpet into a zoo – with new things to learn starting from eating, sleeping and even pooping.

I was talking to a friend this weekend about hitting a wall after coming to SF – these experiences probably will be very close to hitting a wall for a 32 year old or perhaps not. For me, I didn’t even have time or energy to analyze if or how far I have hit a wall.  Oh! Did I forget to mention that I stopped smoking? And also the fact that I stopped listening to my favorite NWOBHM (NewWave of British heavy Metal), Electronic Dance Music and Dubstep – will soon continue. Did I tell you that I haven’t driven a car in last 3 months? Did I also tell you that I didn’t have a single personal philosophical conversation with anyone in the last 3 months? – Most of my conversations have been – how to do this or that? Back in my hometown ….., did you see the movie …., do you know that this club has ….., OMG .. it’s so beautiful/pretty/different!! ..

Seems like a difficult world? Not so 🙂 We often forget that disruption or change is painful but it always brings in something positive in one’s life. There are changes, which are for bad – for e.g. losing a limb or a dear one. But mine isn’t. I have come here for a reason and on my own volition. Every change – good or bad – makes you more adaptable to new conditions, stimulates you and makes you realize that the universe wants to interact with your being rather than ignoring you to oblivion.

I am doing really good in my job, I have built up tremendous patience in understanding people and learning to say or pronounce things to make myself understood, I have been meeting a lot of people (meeting people per unit time is on an absolute high), I have come to understand a lot of things about the food we consume, I now know a couple of new cocktails 🙂 and cuisines, I have seen Tahoe – thanks to my friend :),I have seen long winding and fantastic US roads, I helped my friend cook fresh Salmon from the beach, I made a special yogurt chicken dish for a friend and many more new and different experiences.

I would love to highlight the quitting smoking process. I meant to quit it soon but never had a real reason staring at me. Though I did keep a target of quitting by the end of the year when I moved. Looks like I achieved the same ahead of my target. I am on my 13^th day of smoke free life. It was no doubt tough – not just the physical cravings that was painful but the process of trying to fill in the void of the time I spent with my cigarette was a new thing I had to deal with. That zone that my cigarette and I entered into now had to be recreated or replaced with a walk or watching a funny video clip on Youtube or reading a buzzfeed. I do like to text with a special someone but then the special someone is a person and it’s not fair to do that all the time.

Anyway, life gets tough at times but there is always a silver lining – you never have a playbook for that but like Bradley Cooper – if you try and seek for silver linings they do peak out from those dark clouds and say hi to you 🙂

Thanks to everyone around me for helping me in whatever possible way you could to make it a bit easier and less horrendous than the way it sounds in this post.

Read Previous Posts on San Francisco:

San Francisco – A New Beginning: https://ashokbania.wordpress.com/2013/08/10/brave-new-world/

Brave New World

I have been longing to write this note – one month of moving to San Francisco.

The move was pre-meditated and I had this on my mind since the day I came out to my family and friends that I am gay. But is that the only reason – matter of fact – gay or straight, I would definitely have loved to move out of India for sure – at least for a couple of years.

What made this move a bit painful (atleast a month before June 23) was the fact that I didn’t gauge what my benefits would be vs. what I am missing out. For me the most immediate focus was ‘what am I missing’? Here are a couple of things (not in any priority order) that made this process excruciatingly

• People – I have a small coterie of trusting friends and an wonderful family. I also have a long list of friends who I like even though they aren’t close. Leaving them for who-know-how-many-years-or-forever was the most difficult thing I had to face in my life ever – some of it was captured in a paragraph here – https://ashokbania.wordpress.com/2013/08/10/on-long-distance-friendships-and-relationships/
• Habits – Habits formed from childhood are very difficult to change. The very thought of changing them sent shivers … mundane things that makes one work in auto-pilot – going to gym, driving around, picking up groceries, fav hair salon, brands that I use etc. to very ingrained second nature – way I talk and comprehend others, rituals .. you get the drift
• Fear of Unknown – whether I will adjust to the culture, whether I would get what I want etc.

At one point, the pain was so much that I just wanted to relax – have a good night’s sleep and think of this as an experiment – if gone foul – will trace back my steps and find my way back.

I met a couple of friends via Yahoo!’s Pride email list. One of them was one of the nicest human beings I’ve ever met. He and his friends made sure that my transition was smooth and I get whatever I need to start off. Not only I could get his place to stay for two weeks but also I was offered a walk to the shuttle stop to where Yahoo!’s bus arrives every morning by one of his friends. I got to know about this plan a couple of days before departing India and that made my last 4 – 5 days in India concentrate on only one misery – missing People 🙂

I arrived on June 23 and since then there was no looking back .. for sometime at least. One day at a time, I started to plan out my life. Things that I took for granted – driving and getting around the city, ordering food, garbage disposal, arranging a meet up with friends – things that are done in an auto pilot way (usually) became tasks if not arduous ones. Brave new world!! as most of you guys will put it. Easier said but it’s difficult because my brain has been on since that day and it is tiring (part of it is because of my new job as well).

Having said that, I have been enjoying this city and this new life in a way which was inconceivable to me. Thrills that I thought never existed have been introduced to this 32 year old man.

1. Catching a bus at the last second (albeit guided by smartphone apps)
2. Getting drunk beyond limits and still get ‘out-drunk’ by the next person
3. Waking up at 6 am and sleeping at 10:30 – 11 pm (hello!! that was never me)
4. Chatting up with the land lady and get $400 off on rent
5. Getting my bank account (trust me you can’t just open one easily), Social Security Number, House (getting a house to your liking in a short time in SF is like getting a PhD in 2 months), credit card in record 2 weeks
6. Going to a gig by an obscure but favorite band and finding out people to go with and later become awesome giggly friends
7. Using public transport as if I were a SF veteran
8. Having the sense of being responsible for myself all the time
9. Visiting a doctor and using my insurance card
10. Random banter with strangers on weather, how cold SF is, food, music, gay culture etc.
11. Seeing naked old men on streets
12. Making Jalapeno the best friend for my Indian spicy palate
13. Discovering that Indian food is viewed as one cuisine – lill do folks here know that there are like 1000 different cuisines within India
14. Discovering bad Indian food everyday w/ the exception of my office cafe
15. Seeing men holding hands and wishing one day I would too
16. Noticing sex conquering over intimacy and love
17. Being fairly surprised at seeing the pervasiveness of male body image issues
18. Figuring out finer nuances and differences between Brit English (which I am used to) and American English – for e.g. ‘homely’ in America has a negative connotation (boring, dull) for people as well as places/surroundings
19. Acronyms in dating world – NSA (no strings attached), LTR (long term relationships) – arrrghh!
20. Getting weird one-liners and shocking photos on dating apps from guys ….

Honestly, all this wouldn’t have been possible because of people. People have been great to me and I am lucky. I have two friends – a couple who was introduced to me long back by a friend in Bangalore – they have been a great support and the fact that I knew they were there in SF even before I moved eased a lot of pain. Another very close friend introduced me to his cousin and his girl friend and in no time I felt that warm fuzzy feeling of being close to people and just be myself in front of them. In fact his cousin helped me a lot – in ways most people in my life haven’t. Then my long term association with another friend who drove me to the bed-bath-and-beyonds (lol it’s taxing to go to those places) and who also got me a tiramisu to celebrate my birthday – that’s pretty sweet. Small little happiness in the form of a welcome note and flowers came in from neighbors. A random guy next to my house, helped me carry stuff from the neighborhood grocery store to my place without any reason. How can I be skeptical about this world!!

Despite all these fortunate encounters and people in my life in SF, there are many moments when I still long to go back to my wretched (only because I didn’t have a lover/partner else everything was perfect – not that I have a lover/partner now!!) life with my friends. When I was leaving Bangalore, I told my friends that I would only meet lovers/partners in SF and not friends. If I have to be friendly with someone, I would pick and choose mediocre people so that they can’t contest the love or the strength of our friendship – it’s still a private joke within my group of friends. But I guess that was just an emotional me. I still do close my eyes, put on my headphones with songs that associates me to my past and take a hike down the memory lane and I enjoy it.

Regarding present and future, I still wonder if I will be able to accomplish what I came for – to have someone love me for eternity. Many of my friends dub me as a Disney princess for my wishful thinking – but then that’s me. Sex is essential but then it was a phase – when I was a teenager – I could perhaps dissociate Sex from feelings all so easily. There were times I was attracted to men who were possibly so not attractive to me right now. People may say I am too young to harbor these notions of nesting or say breeding (which I can’t coz no two men can get together and give birth to a child lol!) – but I think that’s me. I always wanted a stable family – a bit of predictability of seeing someone everyday – going back to a house full of people – where I hear people calling my name. I love family rituals and all the drama that comes along with it. A lot of people advise me to go with the flow – I don’t seem to understand it though. I always experience the flow and with experiences comes introspection – and then comes all sorts of thoughts. I do let things happen to me and don’t premeditate on things I have no control over. Some say that my thinking process stems from my up-bringing in India and some people have way outrageous reactions to my thoughts. I scoff at myself most of the time for what I think and what I do. Sometimes I feel I judge and then again I feel I don’t. This excerpt from Steppenwolf by Hesse clearly explains my continued state of thinking and all blah-spection “I came to realize that Haller (a character) has a peculiar genius for suffering, that he had, in the sense that Neitzsche intends in many of his aphorisms, trained himself to the point where his capacity for suffering was masterly, limitless, awesome” 😀 More on this topic later!! Phew!!

Things change – including my world view or beliefs. Knowing what has changed and why will help me be grounded to this world – the world that has offered me so much. For now, I have to just concentrate on a few things more – Job (very demanding), Getting a driver’s license and drive in California, Travel a bit within US, Health, Cook (haven’t been doing that regularly), Getting used to new things and just Be. Most importantly enjoying this disruption at this juncture of my life – I am lucky to have this stimulus which many people dread.

Will write back on this topic again – probably after a year.

On long distance friendships and relationships

This note is for those who are insecure that relationships (whether amorous or not) die with distance and time. 

We are humans and our bonds are always like a facebook edge graph (friendship strength) – no matter how much we deny it that real life isn’t like FB, it is in reality. We hide from friends, we have contrived public appearance and then we have meltdowns privately and next moment we are like ‘my life is great’. We be-friend people, stalk some and want to know more about some for which we constantly keep meeting them, pinging them and mostly agree to what they say till we figure out that we are close enough to have a disagreement. 

My friend always tells me that no matter what happens we will always be friends even though I am going away to another country or city .. yes we will be but the friendship will freeze here at this moment and in this place.  

If there were any chances of waxing and waning of the relationship, that wouldnt happen now. 

 

There will be waxing and waning with new or other people we meet in person and may be those waxing will be stronger than the bond we’ll ever have. 

Presence is required and that’s what lays a context and relevance of a relationship. 

Some relationships are unconditional – like the one with my mom, my sisters and my dad – may be my dog – who will still wag his tail when I meet him – even though he will grow old and blind soon.  

Not all relationships are like that … or will never be.

Of desires and despair

 

 

 

 

 

Desires give birth to despair

From a mother’s womb
to the primal scream
a desire to live and
the despair of living

From knowing the world
to experiencing it
a desire to know and
the despair of understanding it

From the fervent touch
to the wanton expression of dominance
a desire to be felt and
the despair of feelings

From ideologies and a free world
to dictating how it should be free
a desire to achieve and
the despair of losing it

From quest of existence
to the angst of existence
a desire for the ultimate truth and
the despair of being confounded with

From love
to hate
a desire to unite and
the despair of severing it

I had the powers of mystical creatures
I cast a spell
to obfuscate all my own desires
and wrote a note to myself
“Can we exist without desire and despair?”

I was numb
I grew old
My eyes were open
My lips were cold

There were no desires nor any despair
The note I wrote, the sights I stared at, the instincts I was born with,
said nothing
but showed only the void….

We give birth to desires
And desires give birth to us …
On the cold thorny bed of
despair …

~ Ashok Bania 21:40 hrs, Nov 6, 2012 (India) inspired by Paul Eluard

Words have no meanings…

Words have no meanings …

when they don’t tease our heart to flutter

They have no meanings

when they don’t lace our eyes with tears …

Weren’t they suppose to make our lips quiver

with smiles?

Weren’t they the reason behind wars

and love affairs?

Words have no meanings

as far as what meanings mean to us …

Words have no meanings

as long as they are just sounds …

Words are just thoughts lost in translation …

If they don’t inspire action

If words would have meanings,

Promises, Love, Devotion

won’t be words ..

but feelings…

~ Ashok Bania, Oct 29, 2012 19:39 (India), inspired by Ryuichi Tamura (post WW II Japanese poet)

Top 11 reasons why I stopped talking to you! [Original piece by you??]

Today someone posted a link on how difficult communication is despite these plethora of communication channels. Don’t blame the Sargasso sea of communication medium. It’s the lack of conviction in all of us to tell the truth. Here’s my top 10 oft heard reasons for ‘why i stopped talking to you’. Ok let me start with being honest, I wrote top 11 and not 10 coz I always want to be unconventional – that’s like ‘cool’ for me … so here’s the format: My reason [your smart alecy answer :D]

1. We both are so busy you know [sure, right now I am trying to find alternate energy sources in Mars whilst I am counting moments to my sensational mid-life]
2. We both are in different places [i figured .. every time I wanted to foursquare you into rationality, it gives me a 500 internal error .. ok let me translate .. yes we are in different places]
3. I thought we can be just friends [yay! I am addicted to consolation prizes :D]
4. It’s not you, it’s me [that i figured but what’s ailing you?]
5. i think we both need space [thanks .. can you now plan out my life .. i am so incapable of deciding myself]
6. __________________ [__________________]
7. it was not meant to be [of course .. let the drama kick in .. can you quote John Keats now? oh while you are at it, can you also rewrite the testament of fate]
8. my mom/dad didn’t approve of you [sigh! she/he missed a threesome]
9. i thought you were in love with me for no apparent reason and it was creepy [you are right … it was way too creepy to think you were cool …]
10. I was in a dark place those days [oh for a second i thought you got sucked into a black hole … not only did it suck out your light those days, it sucked mine too]
11. i met someone else in the meantime .. thanks for igniting the faith in me that love exists/I think you are ugly and I don’t want people to judge by thinking either i am a gold digger or i am too dumb to even know i exist/I think I don’t like your personality/you are boring for my all-so-flamboyancy 😀 /you are cramping my style/you have bad breath/OMG you are a virgin!! and i don’t like it/you were stalking me [respect!! :)]

 

Having written this, on a serious note, please use this only as an instrument of humor. People have multiple reasons: set- mind set and setting- environment… these are simple breakdowns to start with but then this cosmos is so vast and ever changing that gauging anything which is in the realm of human mind will be tantamount to finding a needle in hay stacks in the Chrysler Building!! Even science haven’t been able to come up with a concrete ‘Unified law of force’ … Don’t delve too much on why I didn’t speak to you … it’s not you or I … It’s just a random chain of events leading upto it 🙂 Godspeed for your future dates [a$$hole] 😀

Prawn Malai (Cream) Curry – East Indian Recipe

For four people (who always like second helping)

Prawns – de-shelled & de-veined – 500 gms

Onions – 2 (medium sized) – make a paste of them using a blender

Garlic – 3 cloves (finely chopped)

Ginger – 1 medium sized – make a paste

Chillies – 2

Cardamom – 4 (slit them but don’t removed the seeds)

Cinnamon – 2 stick (small)

Bay leaf – 2 medium sized

Turmeric powder – 1 tea spoon

Chili powder – half a tea spoon (don’t use substitutes like Cayenne Pepper – use Indian Red Chili powder)

Sugar – half a tea spoon

Cococut Milk – One can (around 200 ml)

Garam Masala – Optional (http://indianfood.about.com/od/masalarecipes/r/garammasala.htm) – it’s a blend of coriander seeds, cumin, pepper corns, cardamom, cloves & cinamon

Oil – 1 and half table spoon Olive Oil (best results – use mustard oil – not very healthy though)

Marinade the prawns with half a teaspoon of turmeric powder, half a tea spoon of Garam Masala (optional) and salt (use your own estimate). Keep it in the fridge for 30 mins. After 30 mins, sautee the prawns slightly in half a tea spoon of oil till the prawns looks half cooked and releases ample water. Keep the prawns aside.

Heat 1 table spoon oil in a pan. Throw in the garlic. When the garlic starts becoming brown – removed the garlic from the oil and you will have garlic flavored oil. Throw in the cardamom, cinnamon, bay leaf and 2 cloves. Fry for a min. Gently pour in the onion paste. Please remember to cook the onion paste such that the paste turns golden brown in color and you can see mini geyser formations on the paste (like small volcanoes) 😀 Frying the onion is very essetial because you may not want the curry to be overpowered with onion fragrance. We just need sweet tasting onion for the curry.

Add in half a tea spoon of sugar to the paste and fry for 30 secs. Then add the ginger paste. Fry for another 2/3 mins. Your kitchen by now will smell like an Indian curry heaven. Add in the 2 green chilies. Split them before you add them. Add in half a tea spoon of turmeric powder and chili powder. Fry for another 1 min.

Add in the coconut milk while stirring. Add in 100 ml of water and let it boil. After 3 mins, the curry will start boiling. Add in the semi-cooked prawns. Cook in high heat for another 3 mins. Bring down the heat to medium/low and simmer in for 10-15 mins.  Add salt to taste.

Best served with white rice, sticky rice, jasmine rice, pulao or pilaf rice.

March 24, 2012 - Prawn Malai Curry for 4 (my kitchen)

Baby you’ve got a hold on me

My Crazy Valentine,

You may not been privy to what I have been going through these days. I hope you remember Carrie Bradshaw, in Sex and the City, mentioning about the phase of Zsa Zsa Zsu – yes butterflies everywhere 😀 One open letter to you may not capture, in coherence, all that I want to tell you right here, right now; not to forget the parsimony of bullet points or the drab of paragraphs.

Hence, I chose music as a medium to express my take on love – it’s refreshing, allows context change and obviates banality of text. The music I chose encompasses genres or any boundaries – and don’t you worry – not all of them are love songs 🙂

#14 Screaming out your name – Set Fire to the Rain (Adel)

“But I set fire to the rain
Watched it pour as I touched your face
Let it burn while I cry
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name”

Adele always pushes me to go into this warm cozy place where I can do anything around with my heart – teasing them to turn sad and then uplifting them with liberating thoughts and then sink them into pure unrequited love – some pleasure which can’t be defined.

#13 Concept of a sanctuary – You and I (Lady Gaga)

“Something Something about this place
Something about lonely night and lipstick on your face
Something, something about my cool Nebraska guy
Something about may be You and I”

I love this song for the fact that she surrenders herself completely to him and believes in being together for eternity. Even a few torture wouldn’t balk her step 🙂

#12 Lonely souls don’t spark at the same time – Leave Me Alone (Extreme)

“Don’t feel sorry
It’s not your concern
Only the lonely
Are the ones who get burned”

This song speaks for all the lonely souls out here in this universe. Our hearts sparks and yearns to create a spectacle each time. Is there anyone to see that?

#11 When we are happy we make tonnes of promises – Happy Together (Turtles)

“I can’t see me loving nobody but you
For all my life,
When you’re with me, baby, the skies will be blue,
For all my life”

Promises gets wasted on people – by sheer fate or by your own design. If you really feel it this way about someone, it shows in your actions – it will find it’s way. I would plod along 🙂

#10 Sound of seduction – In the Waiting Line (Zero 7)

“Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real
Wasting my time
In the waiting line
Do you believe in
What you see”

The song is featured in the movie Garden State – a bunch of kids on psychotropic drugs seizing the day. Listen to me – this is my seduction song. Dreamy Pop has always been my favorite seduction genre. Here’s the party scene –

#9  You can never say what love brings in – Is That All There Is? (Peggy Lee)

“Then I fell in love, with the most wonderful boy in the world.
We would take long walks by the river or just sit for hours gazing into each other’s eyes.
We were so very much in love.
Then one day, he went away. And I thought I’d die — but I didn’t.
And when I didn’t I said to myself, “Is that all there is to love?”

Is that all there is to love? I don’t think so – if it just takes breaking out the booze and having a ball to make me happy why not? We grow stronger every time. And I also believe that it comes back in other forms – in colors or in disguise.

#8 Give in to the sweet sensation – Blind Faith (Chase & Status)

I am the man with the heavy heart,
and I dare not turn the pages.
Riding with automatic self destruction.
Is a blind faith, a cruel waste, one bitter taste.
So I know I need this sweet sensation.

Have you ever considered the term blind faith with a positive connotation? This song starts quite late

#7 What can a strong attraction do – Hypnotist (Flaming Lips)

“I had forgiven you for tricking me again
But I have been tricked again –
Into forgiving you –
What is this?? Are you some kind of hypnotist??
Waving your powers around – the sun eclipse behind the cloud…”

Call me a fool or just hypnotized 🙂

#6 The oh! so dependence on each other 🙂 – You’re All I Need To Get By (Aretha Franklin)

“Like sweet morning dew I took one look at you
And it was plain to see, you where my destiny
With my arms open wide, I threw away my pride
I sacrificed for you, dedicated my life to you
Like I would go where you lead
I’ll be right there in time of need
And when I lose my will you’ll be there to push me up that hill”

One of the most romantic songs I have ever heard. There are times when we look out for each other – some call it dependence, some call it love, some call it intimacy and let me not list all down. ‘You’re all I need to get by’ is my comfort feeling and by the way cheesecake is my comfort food 🙂

#5 We lie under different stars – Different Stars (Tresspassers William)

“So I will hum alone, too far from you
All that i say now is nothing to you
We will lie under different stars
I am where i am and you’re where you are, you’re where you are.”

This is one song that makes me cry – not because it is a song about separation but just because of the poet’s thoughts about romanticizing separation. Beautiful song.

#4 Good good lovin’ – Turn Your Lights Down Low (Bob Marley)

“Turn your lights down low
And pull your window curtains;
Oh, let Jah moon come shining in –
Into our life again”

This is one is purely dedicated to you because reggae lightens me up and what better a love song can be if it is not reggae 🙂

#3 Something so strong to wound a spirit – Cucurucu Paloma (Cateno Veloso)

They say that at nights
all he could do was cry all the time
they say he won´t eat
all he could do was drink at all times
they swear that heaven itself
would tremble hearing his crying
He suffered so much for her
that even on his death he was calling her

he cried
he sobbed
he sang
from a deadly passion, he died

That a sad sparrow
early in the morning goes to sing
at the lonely little house
with it´s liitle doors wide open
They swear that that sparrow
is nothing else than his soul
still waiting for her return

Cucucrrucucu, sparrow
cucucrrucucu, don´t cry
stones will never, sparrow
know anything about love

cucurrucucu, cucurrucucu
cucurrucucu, sparrow don´t cry

The melody is as melancholic as the singer who sang those beautiful and poignant words – Cateno Valeso in Cucurucu Paloma struck me bad when it lingered hauntingly through the movie “Happy Together” (above: video from the movie)by Wong Kar Wai. You should watch this movie someday to gauge what I feel.

#2 Coming home to you – Coming Home (Skylar Grey)

“I am coming home
I am coming home
Tell the world I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes” 

Here home is so not literal. I want to feel at home with you and would try and make it  for you as well.

#1 Music and Love – Music of the Night (Phantom of Opera)

“Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendor
Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender
Turn your face away from the garish light of day
Turn your thoughts away from cold unfeeling light
And listen to the music of the night”

The song is from Phantom of Opera. A very ugly beast of a man falls in love with the leading lady of the opera. He lives under the stage and comes out only at night. He is musically gifted and has the most soulful voice. That was what he offered – music.

Last one for the day –

Antipodal Valentine

This is an excerpt from the first chapter of my book “Antipodes” … dedicating this prematurely to my valentine 🙂 ………….

In the midst of the night when it does get colder, I feel your presence – in being one and each other. I can feel you embrace the sun and the blue sky  – your hair, the thick dark sinusoidal waves responding to your hops, skips and jumps. I can hear you whisper each and every line of Antipodes with your Tom Waits voice. In that moment, I can feel you hold my hands, clutch them tight as if you are hyper-aware of every sensation that has been tingling through my veins. I start to get whiffs of musk emanating from your skin and hair. Teasing … very teasing. The earth slowly slides beneath us … we can feel it. We sense little tingly drops of dews as we slide across our magic carpet of grass. You touch me and I shiver. You enjoy that and I give myself to you.

Antipodal Valentine. Source: http://www.lifelinkcounselling.com/

Why are the skies so blue and the trees so eerily green? Why are they glowing?

You tell me tales of far away lands, of trades I never heard, of beautiful people and their lives. You teach me how they dance and what costumes they wear. You submerge me into their hopes and dreams and sometimes I chuckle at their vacuity.

Why are your eyes talking? Why can’t my lips move now?

This happens to me when I seek you. The nights seem always colder and never ending. And this is how I calm myself these days.

 

How far can you throw an object?

A frenzied object named Touch

As far as your hands can reach

As far as you run

 

How far can you throw an object?

A curious object named Sight

As far as light catches up to it

As far as light decides to reflect back ..

 

How far can you throw an object?

A sensual object named Smell

As far as you reach me

As far as I reach you

 

We are at Antipodes

But we can still be together

You on dark cold nights

And I on bright sunny days

Only …

As far as we seek each other

As far as we remember each other

Threadbare

Threadbare hopes:
tense and stretched …
Clocks ticking
and insanity is
slowly creeping

Hold on to something
Or distract myself
All tricks are feeble
And the new sunsets appear evil ….

Liberate me ex inferis

~ Feb 6, 2012

Smelled like sex but looked like blood …

Part of discovering something new always confounds one’s mind – as to whether one should form any opinion exactly at that moment or wait for the experience to settle down while reeling under it at the same time. That’s what I felt when I came out from the McKittrick Hotel at 530 W, 27th Street, NYC. But then

What’s done cannot be undone

An old dilapidated office building abandoned for ruins was converted into an immersive installation and performance by the group Punchdrunk directed by Felix Barrett and Maxine Doyle. Loosely based on the story of Shakespeare’s Macbeth, SleepNoMore is a tribute to the speakeasy generation with a touch of evil inspired by Shakespearean story telling and characters; each swaying and moving to a surreal David-Lynch-meets-Electronic music foisting the audience into a sexual frenzy.

SleepNoMore allows audience to be anonymous and faceless (literally!) – wearing masks and moving in complete silence; the audience runs, walks leisurely or  follows actors through a maze of more than 100 rooms – each one specially designed to add to the supernatural theme of the whole performance.

Though one can see direct references to Macbeth, Lady Macbeth, King Duncan, Banquo, Malcom, Macduff and Lady Mcduff yet there were other characters and their own stories more refined and developed – each had an arch. Malcom never had too much of limelight in Shakespeare’s play however in SleepNoMore he sings a jazz number about his life – tears trickling down his face with an impish smile, looking at the audience breaking the 4th wall.

There were instances when the characters started touching the audience and made gestures of making love. A few audience members were given letters to deliver and a few were kissed and touched sexually. Well there was a scene where Macbeth falls down as I was following him and he looks at my eyes for a good 10 secs. I should have picked him up – I didn’t! Though I did mess around in other ways. I wrote down a letter to no one which might be lying there for someone’s amusement I guess –

Why do I always end up in situations like this when I am so ALONE

If anyone from the production discovers this – please give me a shout out! I can tell you the background of my story and why I wrote that 🙂

By pricking on my thumbs .. something wicked this way comes

I forgot myself when I followed the naked Macbeth to a room where thye showed the witch invoking apparitions showing Macbeth’s future just before he kills Banquo. The whole room was filled with odors of spice, wine and a confusing but sharp stench – very sexual and mysterious. When a couple of us followed Macbeth into the room, we were ushered to a corner and then the strobe lights started flickering along with the music of Ed Rush – “Reece” – heavy electronic music paced along with fractured visions of Macbeth dancing around with the witches and a naked man with a Goat head, blood on his stomach which Macbeth drinks with frenzy. One ghost carried a bloodied and just-born baby and another one carried a small tree depicting the walled garden.

I can never forget such a combination – strobe light, blood, sex, surreal imagery and sensual stench. I played around with my hand under the strobe light and felt the immediate need to install some in my own house. Everyday will be a surreal experience – replace the Electronic music with Jazz on one day, heavy metal on another or drum & bass on any given Sunday.

Courtesy: New York Times

Actor Nicholas Bruder who played Macbeth moved me in the last scene – for a man who thought he was invincible, for a man who could do whatever he wanted, for a man vain and proud – he showed resignation – resignation to fate and this whole world that came crumbling down – depicted by a confused and insidious smile followed by fear.

There were things that could have been better. Members of the audience could have been less confused and more decisive as to what they wanted to do. Because of their sluggishness I couldn’t run and catch up with Macbeth for a few scenes (as you might have correctly guessed, I followed Macbeth in this visit).

The set design by Felix, Livi Vaughan & Beatrice Minns was mind bending – specially the children room with headless babies, the apothecary room, the rest rooms, the parlour … something suffocating yet thrilling.

Courtesy: Go.com

Dance performances were mostly ballet and jazz. However, there were signs of other modern dance forms which I was not aware of.

Being in a place which resembled Stanley Kubrick’s ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ (yes.. a lot of people will tell you when you get in – but honestly it’s only for those masks and nothing else is remotely close to an orgy), getting blood sprays (paint) on my shirt, locking eyes with actors and following them, seeing actors unfazed by audience staring at their naked bodies, witnessing violent scenes like murder and the one where Macbeth kills the pregnant Lady Macduff and a surreal strobe-light dance to heavy electronic music which was so anachronistically placed in a speak easy set up – it will be insane of me to say I liked it … but yes I loved it …

it smelled like sex but looked like blood and tasted like sweat … that was Sleep No More for me … what will it be for you?

Never mind I’ll find someone like you I wish nothing but the best for you too “Don’t forget me,” I begged “I’ll remember,” you said “Sometimes it lasts in love But sometimes it hurts instead.”

I would fall in love just to experience this emotion – why is it so good to even want to feel this way?

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.
I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded
That for me it isn’t over.

# Day 30 – Day 2: Defined as Eternity

Time flew and a few friends ensured that I live my last days (mostly weekends) in 20s amidst music, fun, dance, jamming, insane parties+after parties+after after parties+after after after parties :D, long phone calls discussing 30 Rock and of course vulgar bouts of drinking … thanks to you! However, no one would comprehend how much the 2 before 0 means to me … 20s – what I could have done but didn’t!! How much indiscretion that I could have exercised under the comfort of the so called “i am young and restless’ sanctuary .. I feel I am weathered, dusty and ridiculous now! lol!

‘Randy Described Eternity’ – this song explains, in its out-of-the-box quirky way, what eternity means (http://www.threeimaginarygirls.com/node/4157) .. I wish youth and innocence were as eternal as hope .. 🙂

Of all songs, which would describe my last day of 20s, I chose ‘Randy Described Eternity’ (Thanks @Christopher)

“every thousand years
this metal sphere
ten times the size of Jupiter
floats just a few yards past the earth
you climb on your roof
and take a swipe at it
with a single feather
hit it once every thousand years
`til you’ve worn it down
to the size of a pea
yeah I’d say that’s a long time
but it’s only half a blink
in the place you’re gonna be”

# Day 12, 11 & 10 – Something gotta give … one day .. yes one day … muhahahhahahaha!!

#Day 15, 14 & 13 – “Oh honey, you’re so pretty, but you’ve always made decisions like an ugly girl.”

Tara’s mom in United States of Tara throws this gauntlet at Tara’s younger sister in Season 2.

Given this context, I wish I had exercised some indiscretion in my life 😦 if not at 20s but at least in my teens.

My case is the worst – worst case of the ‘ugly girl’ making decisions as a ‘pretty girl’ … Sigh and it’s too late …

#Day 16 – “You have reached 7 days of battling it out” – Achievement unlocked :D

#Day 16 - "You have reached 7 days of battling it out" - Achievement unlocked 😀

#Day 17 – Three guitars and three groupies …

that’s what my day 17 looked (?) or rather sounded like 🙂

#Day 20, 19 & 18 – Learned to love the ride

I have been watching United States of Tara for quite sometime now. You can Google up however, in short, it’s a story about a woman who has Dissociative Identity Disorder, with personalities ranging from a 16 yr old girl to a drunk (male) motorcyclist and who tries to live a normal life with her husband, two kids in middle class suburbia.

Completely got derailed here. But cut me up for throwing cliches here – Without mess, life is uninteresting. If I were to live a Disney life (the good cute ones and not the evil-subliminal-adult type fairy tale) I would kill myself.

Whether I enjoy this messy life – if I say yes, it will be a cute Disney answer. Answer is ‘no’! It’s painful – it hurts and sometimes you stop functioning like one of those Terminator robots – when their corneas dim out as soon as  their power is usurped. But without these kinks in one’s life… it will be a boring constant routine of fun times… except for getting laid everyday at will – that will be awesome and I would say a completely interesting life … 😀

I like these lines –

Open up the sky this mess is getting high

its windy and our family needs a ride

I know we’ll be just fine when we learn to love the ride.

I know we’ll be fine when we learn to love the ride

I know we’ll be just fine when we learn to love the ride.

Here’s a preview of this song:

#Day 21 – Circle .. how I learned to stop worrying and love the Circle!

It’s a full circle .. however the radius changes all the time .. damn!! … radius being how long was the event .. the shorter the time frame the smaller becomes the circle.

Here’s an excerpt from the poem ‘Shropshire Lad’ shared by Ratnesh (a friend from B School) in 2006.

“Oh, when I was in love with you

Then I was clean and brave,

And miles around the wonder grew

How well did I behave.

And now the fancy passes by

And nothing will remain,

And miles around they’ll say that

I Am quite myself again.”

By now, you’d have got what I meant by a circle. Sometimes we get stranded on the same spot where we start from. If radius is time, circumference is the experience – the entire time frame spreads out itself as a continuous events curve. Pi – your disposition towards the event (happiness and misery or shall I say positive or negative with some sort of fuzziness??)

Smaller circles helps. You have a smaller radius – so it completes sooner. The lesser the time the involvement in the event itself is less.

The area of the circle = time * time = how affected are you by the event.

In the poem, the person goes through happiness and then comes back to where he was – miserable. In another example. the person goes through miserable time and then comes back to where he was – happy.

Honestly, I don’t know which person am I – don’t know whether I am happy now or in utter misery. All I know that, the time variable was small enough this time to make my happiness/misery too heightened.

Am I kidding?

‎#Day 23 – In the morning I’d awake and I couldn’t remember What is love and what is hate? ….

#Day 25 – You know that you are single and getting old when …

For the uninitiated, this is a part of my new self expression – ’30 days to 30′ project. I will record my thoughts in my last 30 days of my 20s though various medium. Here is a blog post –

#Day 25 – You know that you are single and getting old when  …

1. You join hobby classes and then harass your colleagues and friends with long tirades of what you’ve learned.
2. You keep a jar of Nutella, a spoon and a few almonds next to your bed
3. You – Open Facebook > Check Notifications – negative > Check ‘Top News’ on homepage – “done, no new updates :(” > Like > Comment > More likes > More comments > Check ‘Most Recent’  > More Likes and Comments > “done, no more updates. What else do I do now?”
4. You join Salsa classes in the fervent hope of getting some action
5. You start going to clubs which you’d have never visited in your younger days
6. You become chatty with strangers with just one thing in mind “Please tell me that you wanna sleep with me… I mean now… or may be a good romance will do too …!!”
7. Your friends tell you stuff like “Don’t worry! You still look young! 40s is the new 30s and 30s is the new 20s”
8. You are the first person to arrive in a party and the last one to leave … duh!
9. You say things like “Rihanna is the new Alanis Morisette” or “I don’t know why I fall asleep so early nowadays” or “Table for one please!” 😀
10. Your vacation pictures usually have people in odd numbers
11. You feel happy cooking for others
12. Your last night out was spent watching ‘crazy woman burning in jealousy trying to kill ex lover and his girlfriend’ kinda movies
13. You buy your first ‘Anti-hairfall’ shampoo yourself!
14. You start spooning a pillow and name the pillow.
15. Your home deliveries consist of Pizza on weekdays and of course! Chinese on weekends.
16. Bar seating area starts looking like the coolest place in the world to you and the bar man/woman is your new best friend/soul sista!!
17. Your credit card bill item says “Friend Co.  – $19.00”
18. You start advising people on relationship matters based on the last dream you had about Astronaut Mike Dexter or Princess Leia!
19. You forget when admiring stops and stalking starts
20. You start making lists like these “You know that … when ..” “My most fav 30 Rock moments” “
21. Your recent favorite brand is Forever 21

~ credit: to the numerous single and aging brethren around the world! 🙂 this is my ode to you!

#Day 26 – Hit my head hard while doing rapid crunches *&@!*#%&!%# – feeling lighter and younger!! Hope it lasts!

#Day 28 – Reflecting on the self fulfilling prophecy of being forlorn nearing 30. How hilarious to see oneself embroiled in this silly thing! Gonna watch Hangover 2 and hi-five to the embarrassing subconscious plunge into the 30s cliche!

Lorem Ipsum – We are the pain!

Nor again is there anyone who loves or pursues or desires to obtain pain of itself, because it is pain, but occasionally circumstances occur in which toil and pain can procure him some great pleasure. To take a trivial example, which of us ever undertakes laborious physical exercise, except to obtain some advantage from it? But who has any right to find fault with a man who chooses to enjoy a pleasure that has no annoying consequences, or one who avoids a pain that produces no resultant pleasure?

The reason I pasted the text above is manifold. Firstly, my designer friends – Ivis, Prasanna, Jason & Lolita will jump out of the chair (hopefully) when they know that these text above is the English translation of the latin phrase – “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit ..”

Designers use this phrase/paragraph at places when they have no text to compliment the design – basically filler text … I do wonder who started this trend of using this particular phrase. It’s an irony because when we use filler text, it should have no meaning or the least should be close to being meaningless. But the above phrase has a very strong sub text.

Similarly life as we know it has so much of sub text that once we get to the bottom of it we’d be over whelmed …

Coming back to the other reason of talking about pain – Another thought I would like to add to the above discourse is – What’s pain today is tomorrow’s pleasure. Pain and pleasure are both transitory and find themselves intertwined very closely as if they are two mouths of the same spiteful snake .. spiteful because we are always at the receiving end of them .. even pleasure 😀

Revolution

Niccolo Machiavelli wrote in his The Prince and the discourses, ‘To reconstitute political life in a state presupposes a good man, where to have recourse to violence in order to make oneself prince in a republic supposes a bad man. Hence very rarely will there be found a good man ready to use bad methods in order to make himself prince, though with a good end in view. Nor will any reasonable man blame him for taking any action, however extraordinary, which may be of service in the organizing of a kingdom or the constituting of a republic…For it is the man who uses violence to spoil things; not the man who uses it to mend them, that is blameworthy. A prince should therefore disregard the reproach of being thought cruel where it enables him to keep his subjects united and loyal. For he who quells order disorder by a very few signal examples will in the end be more merciful than he who from too great leniency permits things to take their course and so result in chaos…for these hurt the whole state…It is essential therefore…to have learned how to be other than good or not use goodness as necessity requires.’

Not commenting on the current political scenario of India which involves petty discourses, my main motive of writing this is to bring in the notion of greater  good in the balance of our every day decisions … be it for our country men or for our families and friends …

More on this soon!

Wishing Well

‘Once a prince, twice a prince, thrice a prince threw gold; to ask for dear lord, prosperity manifold’ – a song sung by an old man who lived next door. He referred to thewishing well in front of our house. The song still haunts me…

Summers ago, a family came to spend their vacation in our village. They had three daughters – one was red, other yellow and the little one looked like a strawberry. They shrieked, ran and ate lollipops all the time. They even had a happy dog. They always sat by the river on the wharf singing happy songs, which we could never relate to. My sister, Lily, was very amused observing them and at the same time she used to curse me because she had to attend to me all the time.

Their father drove to the nearest city everyday and brought loads of goodies for them. I would wake up every morning to their giggles and singing. And needless to say, it was followed by my wails for attention. Mother would yell at Lily for not paying attention to me and her daily chores. After a few moments of serenity, I would hear sounds of cane creating welts in Lily’s back in conjunction with the giggles by ‘those three’.

The eldest one was always very pensive but happy with brimming thoughts. She was drowned in her own world. She used to carry a book and a pen everywhere and my sister observed her every move. She would paint her nails and then she would start writing and feel happy about it. She would always smile while writing.

Lily would emulate her with a pencil and a used book. But she would just scribble because she didn’t know how to write. That would frustrate her a lot. So one day she scurried her way to their yard and asked the eldest one about her book. The eldest one replied, ‘I treasure all my happy moments in this book and I see that you have one too’. Lily never liked the fact that there weren’t many happy moments she could write or draw about.

One night Lily hurriedly left me in the porch and marched towards their yard. She spent sometime searching for something very meticulously. She finally found it – it was that book. I saw her running out of the yard towards the well with the book and a plastic cover. She stared at the well for a few minutes and then threw the book in it. She then gave me a poignant glance and vanished in the dark. She never came back.

Later one day, villagers found all sorts of articles in the well when they decided to clean it. I found the book in a plastic cover and asked if I could have it. One of the diary entries read, ‘The girl next door seems so sad. I wish she could have all she wished for – a better life I guess’

Jazz by the Bay

‘I will give you all the diamonds you want’ was not the first thing that he said that evening under the moon shadows of trees swaying to Jazz that night. 

That night chanson’s d’amour or love songs were not mere mood jewels that he usually adorns in just any other mundane night. They had significance that night. He was in love after a good long twenty five years. He clasped his own hands in delightful serenity of the night laced with the hallucinatic music. He thought those were the magic that music creates in moments like those. As a kid he always liked movies over real life because movies had background music. He was happy ‘coz he can hum and sing; at least he can make up for the lack of background music in real life.

He could care less about his wealth, his palace and the never ending lonliness if not his anxious longing for what he didn’t know. 

That day his heart was filled with gratitude and he wept slowly. He was in love and he knew why. He looked at the moon and then looked at her , ‘How shiny would you be if you take all my diamonds?  Under this pale moon, this summer sea breeze and the trees, and everywhere you would be just the same; my shiny little happiness. You will always be with me’. 

He stopped gazing at Fiona, his watch and shifted his attention to his collection of books. He then started murmuring these lines again. However, in case of books, he offered them bookcases and shiny ones and in case of his wines, he offered them new cellars and yes! shiny ones.

He stopped realizing long back that it was just another night of Jazz by the bay.

Paradise lost: reprise

Do androids dream of electric sheeps? May be yes! Bladerunner’s theme tries to show us the fine differences between humans and other things (in a more general view). Dreams are one of the those things that differentiates humans from others (thats what ‘they’ say). I could care less with all these mumbo jumbo junk sciences psycologist, antropologist or any ‘logist’ researching on. All I care is dreams are required/needed. Life would be such a clockwork if I don’t dream.

Of late, in my dreams I always figure out that whatever is happening is just a dream – irrespective of nightmares or good dreams. It’s nice to have such feelings when I have nightmares but during a good dream? It’s not done!

Its has been quite common with me nowadays. Over the time, I have ingrained in myself certain truths or certain inevitabilities in such a way that even in my dreams I no longer imagine or get transported to any new realms of distorted happiness. Even if I do, I just realize its a dream….

Another Paradise lost ….!

Paradise Lost

I don’t mind not feeling immortal

‘Cos it ain’t all that as far as I can tell

I don’t mind not going to heaven

As long as they’ve got cigarettes

As long as they’ve got cigarettes in hell.

A friend sang this song, strumming his guitar with the feelings of a poet hurt enough to find the words intriguing with every new line of the song. This is “As long as they’ve got (cigarettes in hell)” by Oasis.

It kind of elucidates what’s going through every smoker’s mind looking at the pile of cigarette butts kept stacked in one corner away from a free paradise … smokers are ostracized and given the worst corners where everyone knows only the cigarette in hand and never each other … coz they can’t meet others, in a free environment where every one is without fear and at ease …. Paradise Lost! and when will it regain? When one soon go either away from the paradise and forget about its existence or go deep inside this abyss that we are relegated to (the so called smoking corner/zone) and yearn for the lost paradise … someone said the path to heaven is right through hell … Hell is here! 😀

Virginia diaries …

I am drunk and I am about to contribute my 2 cents of experience in US of A. And fuck I care about the fact that there will be millions of Indians who might have written about it. Well almost perfect my experience in US is and I am happy for the fact that a business trip didn’t suck too much. Hmmmm… let me write things in bullet points for your benefit:

American food is not all that bad. Its a bit sweet and baring the ever pervasive fast food, fine food seems to be palatable. Had an awesome experience of american barbeque in my colleague’s home on two occasions and got to see what they eat – to compensate the junk they eat all the time, they toss in a lot of veggies in form of salads or side dishes to go with their hamburgers/hot dogs/barbeque chicken

Americans are good-natured people. Though they might have reservations against a lot of communities yet the kind of bonhommie they display towards fellow human beings is noteworthy. This is what one wants – I don’t want my fucking neighbors to wallow in my sufferings with me. All I want is kind words.

Americans are threatened by Indians with respect to jobs. With increased cost cuttings, American companies are shifting their cost centers to countries like India – this is leading to increased job insecurity and low morale in US

Americans are much happier than Indians or let me put it this way – Americans are much more expressive than Indians in terms of happiness

Indians will be dirt-bags everywhere – they spread unhappiness and discontent everywhere. Funny experience with NRIs – Those who are now settled in the US are confused – they say, ‘I am more Amerikhan than Indiyen’. They are rude, spiteful and have no qualms in displaying all of it

Virginia is really boring – It’s worse than Kanpur … One should have a car to survive in places like Virginia. Americans are aware of it but they say its a trade off for a good job and a quiet lifestyle with kids and wife

Americans are very family centric – they are practical and think about family and don’t indulge in petty emotions when they decide things about family

Americans pubs are very lively … they have a lot of attractions other than just drinking – pub quiz, dart competitions etc. Yes, America doesn’t discriminate anyone on any grounds except for aliens (people from other country) which is not because they hate us, but because they are very conscious of the fact that our cultures are quite disparate. I loved the fact that people who come to drink in a pub know each other and talk to each other. They know the bartenders by name and they hug and kiss each other.

New York is a very exciting place .. even Americans in general aspire to be in New York coz its such an exciting city. Kind of reminded me of Mumbai. New York is an easy place to go around – nice planning though staying in New York (hotel/apartment) is very costly. I loved Coney Island Beach and Bleecker street. A pub named Red Lion was serving alcohol and playing loud live music till 5:30 am and I think its amazing.

All things nice and good … even London was good … there are things which falls into the negative part of my perspective but I will let it pass …

However,  would also like to say:

I miss everyone back in India – my family, my friends and room mates (all the room mates I have spent time with), my sunset (here sun sets at 9 pm), my home (parents as well as my Bangalore home), Mumbai, the noisy hustle-bustle, auto rickshaws, my relevance with daily life and habits and everything I can possibly think of. I wish things were better in India if I look at the good things in US of A, yet I wonder that India is unique coz of the fact that it lacks a lot in terms of social maturity and living standards yet Indians like me love India for the lack of it …. absurd it is … but then life doesn’t come with an ecyclopedia that answers all questions …